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            I have pale skin. So pale that…when I was little I walked around the beach in a t-shirt to prevent too much sun exposure. I wear the palest foundation color available. I have never EVER gotten a tan. I wear SPF 70 sunscreen. I have a history of skin cancer in my family…you get the idea.

And unfortunately, I am obsessed with tan skin. I used to spend hours staring at magazine ads, dreaming of bronzed, glowing skin, and wondering what life would be like if my dermatologist told me that I did not have to wear sunscreen everyday in the WINTER.

            Well, a few years ago, I found what I thought was the perfect solution: mystic tanning. Very simple and relatively cheap—exfoliate skin, drive to tanning salon, stand in booth, towel off, drive home. Easy, fast, maximum price (without a package) $25….all of my troubles seemed to be solved.

            I always ended up with a tan that was a cross between orange and brown—one that my wide-eyed, airy friend described in a Facebook comment as “orange africanness.” My legs always ended up streaky and my sister told me that it looked like I have a weird skin disease.

            But I figured that anything ANYTHING was better than the nickname Casper. I have come across a few incidents that make me rethink my spray-tanning obsession and in case anyone is considering spray tanning—here are a few reasons to reconsider:

1. IT COMES OFF WHEN YOU DO NOT WANT IT TO:

My sunless tanning lotion always seems to come off when an attractive boy is in the room….

I felt good. I had visited the tanning salon the previous night and walked into physical therapy with a tan and wavy blond hair, rocking black spandex on my toned thighs. Unfortunately, I smelled like chemicals and my forehead looked shiny. But, I overlooked those minor problems and rejoiced in having the twenty-something, muscular, gorgeous, physical therapist trainee see me tan.

When I walked in, he took a double take, and approached me.

“Wow! I didn’t even recognize you at first!” I decided to take it as a compliment? He sounded more enthusiastic than usually and very flirtatious. “You look different, did you change something?”

Ah the opportunity to blow my cover—for a second I considered responding, “haha ya I went spray tanning!” But, I reconsidered, and very casually replied, “Oh, hmm, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t usually wear my hair wavy.” (LIAR)

He kept smiling and struck up a little conversation, which was more than he had done in the past. I tried to stand back a few inches, so that he would not see the orange flakes collected in my eyebrows. When my physical therapist, came over we said goodbye. He patted my shoulder. I went to begin my exercises, feeling very sexy.

Soap and water, lemon juice, scrubbing, and heat take tanning lotion off. And fortunately, at the end of every session, one of the trainees always brought me a heating pad to wrap around my neck, and after the ten minute alarm sounded, helped me take it off.

Well, after the ten minute alarm went off, an assistant came over as always. I opened the Velcro and removed the pad from my neck, only to see a HUGE layer of orange grease stained across the towel. It was ground into every ridge of the stained, soaking wet cloth. I felt like I was in a dream. I began to see little black dots in front of my eyes—the black, purple stars that you see when you get up too quickly, or are about to faint. I was thankful that it was my last physical therapy session. Speechless, I booked it out of the office and ran towards the elevator.

1. IT DOES NOT TASTE GOOD:

This is some advice my mom gave me the morning after a date…

I was in the kitchen, preparing the first of the eight cups of tea I drink a day.

            My mom walked in and turned towards me. “Um, Campbell, I just want to let you know—well I was going to have your sister tell you this—but if I were you, I wouldn’t put that tanning lotion on over the weekends. If you date boys and you kiss them, well, it probably doesn’t taste very good. Just a thought.”

1.  PEOPLE WILL MISTAKE TANNING MESSUPS FOR OTHER THINGS…

With spray tanning, the goal is always to avoid having spots and streaks. Through the years, I have become better at taking off all dry skin that could lead to awkward bronze buildups. I also use moisturizer to make the tan come on evenly. But, there have been a few mix ups….

Random dark spots around my neck always look suspicious, and I usually have weird buildups around my knees and elbows. But the parts of my body that come out the tannest are my feet.

One day, I was at the doctor’s office being tested for mono. I was wearing jeans, flip flops, and a shirt that covered all but my neck. The spray tan had worn off on my face, which always happens the earliest because I wash my face more than other parts of my body. But, my feet were still very dark…so dark that one of my classmates said it looked like I was part Indian. 

The doctor looked at me concerned. I realized that she was probably thinking that my face was so pale because I was sickly. I explained that I had been spray tanning, and she admitted that my skin color had made her very worried. Ehhh.

I laughed. “Yeah, spray tanning…biggest mistake of my life. Never again.”

You’ll never guess where I ended up the following Thursday…

1. IT SMELLS WEIRD

The days after I go tanning are always miserable. The entire school day all I can smell is the disgusting, toxic smell of the lotion, and feel drugged.

One day in lacrosse practice, I stood alone in a passing line. The coach yelled for more players to join my line to even the drill out. A senior screamed, “No she smells weird.” Everyone laughed. I grinned, feeling only a little bit nauseous with embarrassment.

She said she was kidding. I wasn’t so sure. I held off on tanning for the rest of the week.

1. TIME AND MONEY DOWN THE TUBES

Even though the actually tanning part is relatively inexpensive, the week of being tan is expensive. When you all of a sudden look amazing in pale pinks, busy patterns, and bright greens, it is hard to resist! If you are going to go tanning—do not shop. Every time, I buy clothes that look amazing with dark skin, but when the tan fades….they sit in the closet.

And while it may seem like a quick trip to the nearest tanning salon…it is not! I typically spend 40 minutes in the shower exfoliating! Fourty minutes that could be spent, I don’t know, maybe doing homework that keeps me up until one every morning…

And ironically, while I tell you all of the reasons why you should avoid mystic tanning, I sit here with a beautiful bronze in bright red pants soaked in perfume. Maybe there are more than five benefits….we’ll I’ll save that for another blog…